


even now I lie awake

by OhMaven



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Drinking, Gen, Mentions of Death, imparting wisdom, mentoring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 02:11:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13261422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhMaven/pseuds/OhMaven
Summary: Leia shares more of her considerable wisdom with Poe Dameron; who learns that there's even more to leadership than he first thought.





	even now I lie awake

What Poe Dameron had  _ not _ been expecting, was to walk into the General’s small quarters, and find her sitting at a small table; her hair, more gray than brown these days, was worn long and loose around her shoulders. It was the princess - the  _ general _ \- more vulnerable than Poe had ever seen her. Hell, he hadn’t even thought she’d been  _ capable _ of being vulnerable.

“Sit,” Leia said to him, waving at the second seat, directly across from her own. He didn’t notice the dusty bottle sitting on the table, until he’d taken his seat.

“In some ways,” she began without preamble, pouring them both glasses of the dark liquid from the bottle. “I suppose I’ve had an unfair advantage, where leadership is concerned.” Leia stoppered the bottle, and then leaned back in her seat; for all that she had aged, her brown eyes were still sharp. In that moment, he could picture her some forty years prior; younger, and slender, and deep in a conflict from which there was no escape.

Poe didn’t speak; he could tell that he wasn’t supposed to. Instead he picked up his glass, toasted the woman, and then took a deep drink. He choked, surprised by the intensity of the alcohol.

Leia smirked, but the expression fell away as she continued. “It probably doesn’t come as any surprise that I was groomed to lead; but I can’t say that I was always  _ good _ . There was a time that I was young, and that I was eager to bully and bluff my way through any conflict. My first self-selected mission resulted in the deaths of an unknown number of citizens.”

At this, the General lifted her own glass in an ironic salute, before she drained her glass in one go; settling the glass back down with a hard, implacable, sound.   
  
“I was more worried about being a  _ hero _ than considering all of the circumstances.” Her voice trembled. “I’ve never stopped thinking about how many people might have lived, if I’d been a little wiser.”   
  
“You were young,” Poe interjected. “Not like me, I’m…”   
  
“Don’t make this about age, Poe. It’s about  _ experience _ . By Alderaanian standards, by birth and education, I wasn’t a child. I was simply impulsive.”    
  
The pilot sat back in his seat now, studying the General. Why was she telling him this? He’d thought - after their flight to Crait, after the disastrous attempt to take out the canon, after the  _ desperate  _ flight away from the planet….surely she knew that he understood her. At least, he  _ thought  _ he understood.   
  
“Leia…”   
  
“No,” she shook her head. “My first  _ real _ mission is famous, now; of course. Fleeing from the Battle of Scarif, Death Star plans in hand - the fate of the Rebel Alliance on my shoulders.” Her lips twitched; but Poe couldn’t tell if it was in mirth or bitterness. “I seemed so larger than life after that, I’m afraid. But it wasn’t all heroics. It was listening to people I’d known - people who had surrounded my  _ childhood _ \- die while I tried to spirit the plans away. It was lying, knowing in my heart that Alderaan would pay the price.”   
  
This time, Poe was the one who re-filled their drinks.   
  
“But this little chat isn’t about everyone who died along the way. It’s about the part of leadership that they won’t tell you.” Once again, the princess-turned-general downed her drink; idly, Poe wondered if her late husband had taught her to drink like that. “It’s the way everyone  _ watches _ you, the way that every decision you make is going to impact the future. Listen, Poe. It’s not enough to lay off the heroic pilot antics. If you want to lead, you have to  _ really _ see the big picture. You have to think about  _ years _ down the road, about what kind of legacy your actions will leave.”   
  
The conversation was heavier than Poe had anticipated. In some ways, he had ached to have it for such a long time - with his mother dead, Leia had been a prominent feminine figure in his life. He wanted to make her proud; but  _ more _ than that. He felt...as though it was the place he was meant to occupy in things. So he listened, brow furrowed as he - finally - gave Leia’s advice the weight it deserved.   
  
“We made mistakes, Poe.  _ I _ made mistakes - and that’s why we have the First Order.” Leia reached out suddenly; seized his hand with hers. “I know you have this in you. But I also know what kind of burden it is, knowing that history has its eyes on you.”   
  
The  _ way _ she said it made the phrase a living thing; and Poe realized that Leia wasn’t just The Last Princess of Alderaan, or the great senator, or an excellent general; she came from a powerful family of Jedi. For her, this sounded akin to the way Rey had spoken of The Force.   
  
Poe suppressed a shudder. History - the future, really - was a  _ living _ thing; it wasn’t in stone, and every action he took sent ripples out in ways he couldn’t yet see.   
  
After a long silence, Poe squeezed Leia’s hand, and smiled in a way that didn’t reach his eyes. “Do you have it in you for one last mistake?”   
  
They both stared at the bottle of liquor; and then Leia Organa laughed, as Poe hadn’t heard her laugh in years.


End file.
